So, what is financial fawning? Financial fawning is when we prioritize the financial needs of others to the point of neglecting our well-being. Another more common term for this behaviour might be people pleasing. Today, I want to explore what financial fawning is about, why it happens, the challenges it presents, and how we can take some of the stigma away from the term “people pleasing,” which I believe is often used pejoratively.

Financial fawning is frequently a trauma response. This behaviour isn’t just about getting along with people or being generous; it is when our financial behaviour reflects an inability to take care of our own needs and a tendency to subordinate those needs to someone else’s. This pattern usually stems from our backgrounds (usually childhood) and past experiences. There may have been times when exhibiting this behaviour was necessary for our emotional and physical safety, particularly in environments where conflict was unsafe or when our need for acceptance was highly conditional. To meet our needs for connection and belonging, we may have learned to suppress our own needs and adapt to the demands of those around us. 

Over time, we become accustomed to not having our needs met, not admitting that we have needs, and not accepting that it is okay to articulate and establish boundaries around them.

So, how does financial fawning show up in adulthood? It often manifests as an inability to set healthy boundaries and advocate for ourselves in the face of others’ requests or needs. This can be most evident in partnerships, parent-child relationships, and the workplace. For instance, undercharging for services or accepting excessive workloads can be forms of financial fawning. Excessive generosity also falls into this category, all rooted in trauma.

Why is it so hard to change these behaviours? The reality is that people stuff is hard. These are deeply ingrained interpersonal dynamics. One of our fundamental human needs is interpersonal connection—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or other relationships. When there is a threat, whether perceived or actual, our systems go into high alert. The behaviours formed early on that kept us physically and emotionally safe kick into overdrive.

The reality is that in adulthood, we have more autonomy and agency than we did in childhood, and there may no longer be any danger; we are often reacting to old fears. These defence mechanisms that once helped us may no longer be applicable. Additionally, our reactions to perceived danger can blind us to the financial harm we create for ourselves.

So, how does one stop financial fawning? For starters, we must be kind to ourselves – although the consequences of financial fawning may be severe, this behaviour did not develop overnight; it exists for a reason—even if that reason is no longer relevant or helpful, and it may still serve a purpose in certain situations. Acknowledging that this behaviour is rooted in some truth from our past allows us to gain distance from it.

Next would be learning the roots of this behavior. The original root may relate to money,  but it could just as easily stem from other aspects of life. Understanding when this behaviour arose, what it connects to, and the underlying beliefs driving it is crucial. 

Learning to trust that we are physically and emotionally safe is a crucial part of overcoming financial fawning. Building awareness around that sense of safety can be a transformative experience. We may be surprised to discover that, on some level, we may not have realized that we are no longer in danger. This awareness helps us engage with those parts of ourselves that remain fearful.

It’s essential to hold space for ourselves during this process and recognize that changing these behaviours doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time. Behavioural change is not linear, but things can get significantly better with increased awareness and attention.